Back when I was 38 and Growing, I examined my need to play “What If?”, otherwise known as Traci’s Sliding Doors game. This is not the healthiest of games, as I noted but as time has passed, I have begun to play it a little better.
It is easy to play “what if?” when you don’t know the outcome. And in that easy game, I tend to favor an unknown fate. One wherein all things good come without any loss. Which of course, is ridiculous! Because every single choice that we make informs our present and future.
But what if you could change the rules? What if you could see the other fate? Or least a close proximate.
One of my “favorite” ways to play this twisted game of imagination is to create some idealized artistic life. I would be working consistently as an actress. My husband and I would be living in some chic Brooklyn loft or an apartment in some fun Manhattan neighborhood. In this fantasy land, I am happily living the New York dream and realities like I don’t know, “Where would my kids would live?!?” don’t invade this little spot of Big Apple Heaven.
Well, my trip to New York gave me a quick (because everything in NY is quick!) glimpse at the other side of that Sliding Door. One of my dear friends from grad school is in many ways living my fantasy life. She lives in a cute apartment in a very desirable neighborhood. She goes on auditions and has had a reasonable amount of work.
But I realized that this very cute life doesn’t fit this somewhat cute girlwoman. I do have kids. And as much as they deny me sleep, cause me wrinkles, and all often make me Cuckoo enough for a Swiss clockmaker, they are my life. And I am no longer interested in stuffing them in an 2 x 2 closet to fit my alternate life vision.
So I guess this is my life. The life I’ve chosen. I may not be Traci the Star but I am Star Traci. And I guess that’s all right!