I’m sitting here in half dark enjoying something that I have not had much of lately. Silence. Time to think. Time to write. This has been my first opportunity to tap-tap away and how I have missed it.
I’ve been working these last two weeks and its an adjustment. But I love, Love, LOVE the work. And I am starting to have new opportunities spring from it. But I have had less time with my children and they have let me know that they don’t dig it. In the past, whenever there has been any discomfort for my husband and children in this way, I’ve pulled out. You know how it is. Mommy falls on metaphorical sword.
Well, somewhat to my dismay, I am resisting that urge. When you’re turning forty, you lose a little bit of self-delusion. The delusion that tells you that there is always enough time. You’re still young. Don’t worry about it.
I know that my kids are only young once. I know that no one says on their death bed I wish I had worked more. But I also know that I came into this world with a talent and a dream that has been set to the side a long time.
I have been praying for opportunities to let my star shine. Is it possible to let mine shine without casting shadows on those I love most? I think so. I hope so. Part of me says that I can’t do it because everything will fall apart. And part of me says that I have been the glue for too long and it is time for them to figure things without Mom for a change.
This particular job will end soon and I could simply let things go back to “normal”. But even as I type this, something is screaming inside of me, “NO!” I am forty (in 14 days) and time isn’t slipping into the future, it’s slipping into the past! I am terrified that I’ll wake up and ten more years will have passed in an instant. My kids will be moving on and I will be writing (again) about finding myself in my own life. I can’t let that happen. But what can I do?
What do you think? How do you strike the balance?
14 Days and Counting…
P.S. There has been one positive side effect to this. I have nearly been broken of my TV habit. I just don’t have the time!!!!