I have tried to be very honest here about how difficult being present and just playing with my kids can be for me. It would be easy to blame it a chronic illness or being overwhelmed with the realities of being a Star blogger and a full-time Super Mom. Okay, it would be easy to blame it on the realities of being a FB addict who occasionally writes a blog post and stays-at-home with her kids while being a marginal housekeeper.
Anyways, back to the point. I have a lot of excuses that I could use to explain why I am not always present mentally. But the truth is, I have had this issue my whole life.
Even as a child, I have been a multi-tasker. I have been looking forward to the next step since I started taking steps. My mom told me that I was the definition of the phrase, “five going on 35.” I guess you could say that I was driven. Driven crazy is more like it. I have never been good at being where I am because I am always looking where I am going.
It came up during acting school. Acting school can be a little like a school for zen. They are always pushing to get out of one’s head, to be present and in that moment. They want you to turn off the planner and just “be”. To say that was difficult for this girl would be an epic understatement. In fact, it was devastating.
I almost quit my first semester. And I never quit. ANYTHING. (It’s a good thing that I never smoked because I never quit.) All the classes were about getting quiet and freeing my body and mind of all the things that got in my way. Did you see the scene in “Eat, Love, Pray” where Julia Roberts is suffering painfully through her first meditation? Yep, that was me. I was actually having conversations in my head about not having conversations in my head.
I remember a call with my mother during those painful days.
Mom: Hi honey, how is acting school?
Me: It’s okay.
Mom: What are you doing?
Me: Learning to breathe, talk, and walk.
Mom: Oh… I thought I covered those with you as a baby.
Me: Yeah, me too. I guess I didn’t learn them right.
So, obviously this is not a new issue for me. And clearly, I didn’t learn it in acting school. But now I have the best two teachers in the world.
I am learning slowly (achingly so), to be in the moment because I have to be. I won’t get this time back. My son won’t ask me to read with him forever. My daughter won’t want to play Barbies when I finally figure this life thing out. This is the time.
Since Mother’s Day, I have really been thinking about these two gifts God has given me. These two teachers. And I realize that I have looked my gift horses in the mouth and I don’t want to do that anymore. I have this chosen to stop to play and read more in the last two weeks than I have in the months before. Because when you get the greatest teachers in the world, you don’t skip class.
Thank you Sonny-Bunny and Little Diva. While I know you will do great things in the world, you have already done great things in my world!