One of the reasons I love award shows is because people get their “moment”. They get a time to bask in the appreciation of their peers which is lovely; really what we all dream about. But that isn’t my favorite part. What I really love is that they get the moment to say “Thank you”. They thank all the people that have helped them reach that pinnacle, climb that mountain.
I dreamed of that moment.
For many years I have visualized myself on a stage holding some statue or another. I have an amazing dress on; A-MAZING! I have mentally spoken the list which has adjusted as my life has changed. I have vision boarded the heck out of that moment.
But to this point, it has not come.
Those of you who have followed me awhile know that Awards Season is a mixed bag for me. It really isn’t jealousy. I do believe that the universe is overflowing with blessings and opportunities and there is enough for others to have good and still realize my dreams. The people who won last night did not stop me from anything. And yet, I am here.
It is so difficult for me to express how much I would love to let go of these dreams. I have so much. Why am I unable to let go? Part of me believes that it is because there is still a “moment” waiting for me. And part of me believes that I am selfish to not simply live in peace with what I have. I want to be happy with what I have. I want to feel filled and complete. But I do not. Happy, yes. Complete, no.
I have had a hunger in my soul for as long as I have memories. I remember being a child believing with all my being that it was simply a matter of time until I was singing and dancing in front of the world. That hunger has not gone away. As amazing as my children are (and they are), they cannot fill that void. Nor can my husband, though if he could, he would. There is something that I am supposed to do and I have not done it.
So I began this journey; a journey I am still walking. I thought it would be a Yellow Brick Road. I guess I need to say goodbye to that and find a new path. Just don’t know where it is or how to find it.
When are you gonna come down
When are you going to land
I should have stayed on the farm
I should have listened to my old man…
…Oh I’ve finally decided my future lies
Beyond the yellow brick road
“Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” by Elton John