Today, I am rejoining Axis Of Ineptitude. We’re talking expectation vs. reality. It’s a thing that I know well or maybe I don’t. Maybe I should say that it s something that I have been struggling with my whole life.
Long before Pinterest existed to make me feel bad, I had a Pinterest outlook. I always wanted everything to be perfect; be right. I wanted to be right, smart, and beautiful. I was very driven but not in that Lean In kind of way. I wanted everyone to like me, too. So I tried to be perfect without being too perfect. Which is exhausting…
EXHAUSTING! That has been the journey of this blog and my life.
Motherhood has helped in some ways. I have given up on white pants — not wearing them but “expecting” them to stay white — and not hiding my weirdness. For years, I tried to be a cool Hitchcock blonde; sleek and distant. This was an exercise in futility because there is nothing cool or distant about me. I am a big old pile of warm fuzzy. I am a hugger. I am a dork. I am not Eva Marie Saint or Grace Kelley (don’t tell that to my mom, she thinks I look like Grace. I haven’t the heart to tell her otherwise).
But a lot is still a struggle. I was career minded. I have had the same dream since I was four and started performing in my driveway. While I always knew I would have kids, I never imagined that I would stay at home with them. I thought we would be some vagabond family going from theatre to theatre while I performed. These days, we are something of a vagabond family but it is I who follow them to Scouts, gymnastics, camp, etc.
I did not think we would be in Texas. After leaving in 1996, I thought that we had shaken the sand from those sandals and would only return except to visit family. When after the events of 9/11 my husband chose to join the military, we said we would move back to Texas for a year. Well, math might not be my strength but I know that 2014-2001 does not equal 1.
Yet, my life may just be way better than the plan. It is certainly colorful. I might’ve missed the first time Little Diva successfully landed a cartwheel or Sonny-Bunny sent his box car careening down the path. And my children have had the benefit of growing
spoiled surrounded by grandparents which they would have been denied living in a New York apartment or a suitcase (which frankly on our budget would be about the same size).
And I would have missed this. I found blogging through this journey. Blogging has brought me friends. It has brought me a passion for writing that I never knew I had. It has brought travel and opportunities that rival anything I got acting.
It doesn’t mean that I don’t still have dreams and expectations. I still want to act and be a vagabond and live in other states. It just means that the reality is not so bad, either.
Did your expectations meet reality? Is that a bad thing?