Perfectionism: Not All It's Cracked Up To Be

I am a perfectionist.

I admit it. But one of the things that I have learned is that perfectionism has nothing to do with being perfect. In fact, what I have learned most is the more I strive for perfection, the less perfect I am.

My Perfectionism is Far from Perfect

For example, I can't just put clothes away. I want them to be perfectly folded and well, frankly, color coordinated. Now, that doesn't sound too terrible, does it? Except… that it takes a lot of time and energy. Something of which I am always in short supply. And that means that my obsession with my drawers either results in lost time with those I love or allows clothes to build up in baskets waiting to be put up "properly". In other words, my perfectionism often results in bad housekeeping or bad parenting. I don't know about you but that doesn't sound perfect.

I "know" this but it is hard to do differently. I am fighting 39 years of programming. 39 years of not believing that I was good enough and trying  to compensate with an incredible work ethic. Because I am a hard worker. It's something that defines me. And it is one of the few things that I will say proudly about myself. Except that it is possible to use work to hide, to avoid, to deflect. I believe that I have done that. Many times. So there is also guilt for me. My head says keep going. Don't stop. You're not enough. You're not doing enough. What you're doing is not good enough.

Over the last year, a small voice has started speaking up. Maybe it is okay. Maybe simply putting clothes away is an achievement. Maybe it is enough. And good enough. Maybe I am okay. I think that voice is my heart. It isn't as loud as my head. But it carries a pretty strong stick. The reality that my children will be grown before I know it. The truth that marriages need more love and time than they do perfect hospital corners. And the belief that I didn't get here for nothing.

Be All You Can Be

The Army used to have the slogan, "Be all you can be". While never an Army girl (Goldie Hawn as Private Benjamin would not be far off from what I would be like in the military), I always embraced the concept. But I think that I had it all wrong because really what I was living was "Do all you can do" and maybe, just maybe I should focus on the being in "Be all you can be".Maybe I just need to be. Need to be... a little less perfect. A little less afraid. A lot more engaged. And then maybe, while not perfect, I might actually be all I can be.