Confessions of a Star
Catchy title, huh? Sounds like a Jackie Collins novel or something worthy of a Rubert Murdoch style tabloid. Well, if that is what you are hoping for you may find this a little lot disappointing. But it is time that I tell you the truth. I am a fraud.Got you all excited again, didn't I? No. This won't be an expose on how I am really a man who has joined the glamorous and exciting world of blogging by passing as a frazzled housewife. Because how old is that story??? No, I am indeed a frazzled housewife.But I am also ill. I haven't talked much about it here because it's not my personality. I am not a wallower (is that a word? spell check says no). I try to be positive and funny in my life and most especially here. And so when things are tough, I hide from my blog and even at times, my blog friends. But no more. I am here to tell you the truth. The whole truth and nothing little but the truth.I have... something. That cleared it up for everyone, didn't it?I have a neurological disorder with an undiagnosed source.That really didn't make it any clearer, did it? If you still feel confused, join the club. On my 37th birthday, I fainted at my birthday dinner and embarked on a journey that seemingly has no end.Basically, my nervous system stays in a fight or flight mode. It causes me to have crazy low blood pressure, be exhausted all the time, and have dizzy spells. But there is another element. I am losing feeling in my feet. We don't know why but I have nerve damage that is worsening. The worst symptom, however, is that my nervous system can misread input causing soft touches from my children to feel almost scream worthy.You know the phrase, "mind over matter"? Well, my mind is getting its behind kicked by whatever is the matter. It frustrates me and makes my dreams seem so much harder.Truth is that I think I haven't spoken of it, because I have been afraid. I have been afraid to acknowledge its impact on my life. I have been afraid that it will give it a power in my life that I'm not ready to cede. I hide how rough it is from friends. I think most of my family would be surprised to know just how much it bothers me. I finally acknowledged to my husband how much I worry.Whatever this is, it's not going away. It is likely to get worse over time. This is my reality and I need to stop running from it and learn to accept it.So I am going to write about it, sometimes. Maybe I'm not alone. Do you have a secret burden that is standing between you and your vision of your life?The truth is out. I'm not going to let this beat me and I'm not going to hide from it any more. It is part of who I am for better or worse. And that my friends is my star confession.