The Mom I Was Going to Be

I have talked a lot here about how my life has turned out differently than I expected. Usually that focuses on my expected life as a working actress as opposed to my actual life as a stay-at-home mom. But the truth is that there is almost as much daylight between my vision as myself as a mom and the mom I am. So let's open that door wide and look at who I thought that I would be and who I am. I thought that I would never raise my voice.I do. Enough said. I thought that I would be laid back and never care about messes.I have morphed into a slightly OCD mom who contemplates all potential messes associated with any activity. It's sad but I often think of the mess before I think of the smiles. Not proud of this, but it's true. I thought we would rarely turn on the TV.We turn on the TV. A lot. Way too much. I was going to be cool. I was going to plan activities and play on the floor. I was going to get the kids out of the house everyday.  I was going to be fun.We spend a lot of time inside and I spend a lot of time working alongside my children playing. I am so "busy" or at least believe myself to be and it is hard for me to just sit and play. Sometimes when I do "play" with them, I am really somewhere else. And truthfully, I don't feel very fun very often. I'm really working on that! I would never say things like, "Because I Said So!"I wrote a whole post on my first blog about all the things I say that I swore I wouldn't. Needless to say, I have said everything I swore that I never would. I didn't think I would be the strict one.I'm the strict one. On the other side of the coin...I didn't know if I could have the passion for being a mom that I did for acting.No role, no paycheck, no honor could ever touch what being a mom has done for me. They are the breath for my lungs, the nourishment for my body, and the food for my soul. It is not even a close competition between the two. I didn't know if I could make my kids feel loved.They feel loved. We talk about it all the time. This is the source of my greatest pride as a mom. I may not be as fun as I like. I may not stay as calm or focused as I like. But I love my kids with everything I have and they know it. I am not a perfect mom, but I am a work in progress. I have been thinking about this a lot on my own and it has been a subject of discussion among my IRL friends. But I had to write about when my new bloggy friend, Kristin from Two Cannoli, shared a very special blog -- Hands Free Mama. It is a revolutionary blog that is urging moms to put down the phone, the laptop, and all the other things we do instead of being 100% present with our kids. I am inspired. I can't be hands-free 24/7 but I can do better. And at the end of the day, what more can we do than try to do a little better everyday.So are you the mom (or simply, the person) you wanted to be? What is the difference for you?