Just Tell Them

I have heard that there is a movement to have parents avoid telling children they are talented or smart. The theory is that they won't work as hard if they believe themselves to be these things. And I am left to wonder why does everything have to be so absolute.

I am a hard worker. Anyone who knows me can tell you that. In fact, I don't know how to stop. And when I was in college and later in acting school, my teachers would "ooh" and "aah" about how hard I worked.

But they never told me I was talented.

Just tell them!

I believed that, therefore, I was lacking that something “special” that would make me a great actress. No matter what their intentions, I never walked away with a faith in my ability to "be" great only to "do" great if I was willing to kill myself to do it.

I have no idea what my life's path as an actress would be if things had been different.  I am sure this held me back. The acting world can be as much about confidence as anything else. I could never present myself as the solid option because somewhere inside I knew that I wasn't the best choice. I wasn't the “talented” one. I was just the hardest working one.

Now you may be saying "but Traci, I don't want my kid to be an actor." Good. It's a hard life. But you want them to be something. And I think that they need a seed in their core that whispers they are capable.

For the record, I am not advocating false praise or saying that hard work doesn't matter. It makes all the difference. Michael Phelps couldn't swim the Olympics without working hard. But somewhere early on, his mother told him he was special and able to swim that pool.

Mostly, I am lamenting our "all or nothing" parenting world. Why can't we balance smart and talented with encouraging hard work? Why can't we have sports options for kids who have talent and need competition as well as have leagues that celebrate fun and physical fitness (especially in our state of obesity)? Why the elephant or the tiger? Why?

Why can't we be the parent we need to be in that moment? 

There will be a moment when your daughter needs to hear that she is pretty. No matter how much emphasis has been put upon inner beauty, intelligence, wit... she will need to hear that you think she has been touched by the hand of God and shines like a star.

Just tell them

Same for your boy. One day, he will need to know that "blue steel" look he has crafted will break a few hearts. My son is the smallest boy in the class 90% of the time. He knows that and I know that. That doesn't mean I shouldn't celebrate with him when he's grown a half inch or urge him to eat better so he will grow. He knows that some children shoot up later in life (including in my family) and that gives him hope. I am not going to crush that hope. I do moderate it with a reminder that his father is just shy of 5'9' and did all right for himself.

Self-Esteem vs. Hard Work seems a false argument. Kids need both. Why can't we be our children's greatest cheerleaders and their toughest coach?

Why can't we be what they need when they need it?

My thought is just tell them If your heart is aching to tell them that they are the brightest, most beautiful, most talented child in the world. Just do it. Because in that moment it is the absolute truth. And one day, when they need it, that truth will carry them through.