I Am the Three
This post is made possible with support from the American Academy of Pediatrics through a cooperative agreement with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. All opinions are my own.
I hear it all the time. ”I can’t wait for things to get back to normal.” And my heart gets it, but...
Life in my home is never normal. I have two neurodiverse children with co-occurring anxiety, and my partner carries war wounds we all feel. “Normal” simply did not exist in our home in 2019.
Meet 2020.
Life on 11
Remember in the movie Spinal Tap where a character brags that their amplifiers don’t simply go to “10,” they go to “11”?
Yes, 11 is greater than 10, and our home life in 2020 is definitely an 11.
Seeing my kids struggle with isolation, fears of getting sick, and a new form of virtual learning has been heartbreaking, There has been a real cost, emotionally.
And my children are incredibly privileged. Their life has been devoid of major traumas or ACEs. ACEs are Adverse Childhood Experiences. Examples:
Parent or household mental illness
Parent or household substance use/alcoholism
Witnessing domestic violence
Having a parent or family member in jail
Death of a parent or sibling
Any or all of the above can create a level of stress in kids that can lead to very unhealthy choices, especially in teens. These can include substance use and dependence, as well as early sexual activity, potentially resulting in pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted diseases. ACEs can leave people vulnerable to abusive relationships, and in too many cases, all of the above along with other long-term health issues.
With a Little Help from My Friends… Family…
And Anyone Else I Can Grab
The more I learned about ACEs, the more the Mama Bear in me roared. Let’s be clear. We struggle some days in my home, but we struggle with a lot of support. A LOT of support. Did I say a lot? Because I mean, a Lotta lot!
I have an immense structure of parents, in-laws, extended family, friends - IRL and online, doctors, therapists, you name it. It takes a village. I have never walked alone.
But too many do. And as I learned more about ACEs, I realized I wanted to do more -- in my home and for other teens who don’t have an Eiffel Tower of support. Because having support prevents ACEs.
Starting at Home
Hubby and I have been listening and looking for ways to engage our seemingly forever bored (and therefore, possibly disengaged/anxious) teens. We found a great resource here and in our efforts to create a safe emotional space for our teens, we have added bonding experiences like movie nights and puzzles.
And with this year being this year, I have abandoned my no-Christmas-before-Thanksgiving rule and allowed early decorating and a Christmas PJ game night.
With all of this, I can’t help but live in tremendous gratitude for all of that support I was given. I want my children to always know that they are always supported, but I also believe they need to know they can be a support to others. This creates connections for them to their community - a win on both sides.
Let’s Pay it Forward
...And not like the stupidly sad movie. Haven’t seen it? Don’t watch it. Trust me. TRUST me! But do pay it forward.
That doesn’t have to be expensive.
My son is virtual learning but many of his friends are actually in the classroom. He can bring cookies to his class with cards for his friends. Drop his pals a snap to say hi!
My daughter has two close friends that both home school that she can send ornaments she has made.
And as game night has become so important to us, we can donate a game to Toys for Tots to support another family like ours sharing in important moments like this.
But even more important, I can reach out to friends and let them know that I can be part of their support system. Every person needs at least three people or organizations they can count on to prevent ACEs in their family. And every person can BE one of someone else’s three, helping them through day-to-day life or tough times. This holiday season, I’m letting my friend know that I would like to be part of their “three.”
As we move into the holiday season and, thankfully, to the end of 2020, think of ways you can support kids so you can help prevent adverse childhood experience. Whether it's on your block or in your congregation, there are so many easy ways to make the load of a child a little lighter and the world a lot brighter.
We can do this, friends, and when we do, we will look back and find this year one filled with winter blooms. Late to the party, yes, but 2020 will no longer be a wasteland devoid of growth. Rather it will burst with life and joy and really that is living life turned up to 11!
