Advent Calendar Day #19 -- My Grown-Up Christmas List

On Monday, I acknowledged that I, like every parent out there, have struggled with the Newtown tragedy. I have prayed more in the last few days than I have in months, trying desperately to find God in this tragedy. I questioned continuing this silly celebration of our Christmas. Everything seemed wrong. As amazon packages were delivered to our home, I worried that grieving parents would be unpleasantly surprised by knocks on the door by UPS. Half the carols that I heard brought tears to my eyes and then I heard these words...No more lives torn apartThat wars would never start,And time would heal all heartsAnd everyone would have a friendAnd right would always winAnd love would never endThis is my grown-up Christmas list... and I lost it. Last year, I shared this song and while I had a sense of longing, it was nothing like this. My heart breaks that any child should know pain or fear and that any parent should have their child ripped away from them.I can be accused of talking too much but the last few days I have struggled for words. the only one I can come up with is Senseless. This tragedy is beyond senseless. It is why I have struggled so much. I am a girl who wants needs answers. The sad reality is that there is no answer that will make sense. There are no words that will fill this void and make it okay. And so we are left with a decidedly imperfect world.I love Christmas because it makes me feel like a child again. But this week, being a child no longer holds the beauty and the innocence it did. Except... it does. Because while I can't find God in this tragedy, I can in my children's lives. I can't find beauty in this event, but I can in my children's eyes. And while I cannot find innocence in this evil, I can in my children's hearts.So with a broken heart, I sit beside my children and write my Christmas list, my Grown-Up Christmas List.My Advent Calendar... 6 Days and Counting